I keep this in my mind all the time now, as I have been guilty of this so many times. In Child Development and even in psychology we are taught to use I statements. Saying things like "I feel sad when you do that." HMMM.... that is teaching the poor child that he/she is responsible for the adults feelings. So, in trying to teach my children that they are responsible for their own feelings, I MUST show them that I too am responsible for my feelings NOT them. This is a challenging thing, because I was raised thinking that I was responsible for everyone else. That it was my fault that I was taken from my parents, because I must not have been a good enough kid, I caused problems for my parents. Then later, it was my fault that I was taken advantage of- that I must have asked for it. But I realize now that I was not at fault in either of these situations, I was taught that in my upbringing.
Today I went into the bathroom and found my DD in the sink with water all over her shirt. I said "oh sweetie. that makes me so sad when you do this." and then I stopped cold. CRAP!!! I'm not supposed to say that, what do I say now? Okay, recovery.... " because now I have to give you a consequence, and man I don't want to have to do that." See it is okay to show feelings and express that you are upset.
AS LONG AS YOU OWN THEM!
It is okay for me to say "oh I'm so mad, I don't even know what I am going to do.... I'm going to have to give you a consequence, but not now.... LATER!" Because I own me feelings, and don't put it on the child. This is still a challenge. But I am working on it, and now I am aware!
Also, we need to be aware of their feelings. Saying things like "how sad for you," and "bummer" lets them know that you do care about their feelings too.